About Breaking Up
 

8 Sep 05

1 Nov 02 - Diary
C. and I broke up a while ago. I didn't write about it before because it has been too hurtful. Well, hurtful isn't quite correct - confusing is probably better since I'm not exactly sure why we broke up. But nevertheless, we are no longer together and I've been trying to decide what to do.

I'm not sure how to make up or whether to make up. The problem is that as my moods swing, my feelings regarding the relationship go from "it is worth salvaging" to "it is better off non-existent."  And I am realising that the tendency is to not make up. When I am depressed I am too insecure to consider trying to start back up the relationship. When I am manic I tend to blow off the relationship because I'm confident that I'll find someone new in the next two weeks - just watch.

All I can go on is a most cold blooded intellectual exercise as to whether the relationship is a good thing for me - which makes for some weird conflicts. My mania might say just blow C. off, but my intellect might say it takes less investment in time to patch the relationship. Or my depression might say that I don't love C. any more, but my intellect might say that C. is a good support for me when I am depressed.

Somehow I don't think this is how other people decide whether to make up or not. Certainly for me, the feelings of whether I love C. or not have a lesser bearing on how I act than whether it is a good thing for me to save the relationship or not.

By the way, if you are breaking up with a person who suffers from depression or is bipolar, be careful about telling your partner that you are breaking up because you can't cope with the mood swings. I've found out this strikes at the heart of one of my insecurities - what can I as a bipolar person offer to a partner. When you tell me that I'm nice but that my mood swings or my depression ruin the relationship, it makes it really difficult for me to think about starting up a new relationship (not that I do this immediately, of course). I can't change being bipolar and what you have implied is that my being bipolar will always interfere with my relationships.

At some level, I'd rather be told that you didn't love me any more, or that you found someone you like better. I'll still be hurt, but it doesn't spoil my intrinsic self-worth. I'd still feel that I can enter another relationship without worrying about the liability of my mood swings.

This is not quite the advice that I have given in the past to partners of bipolar persons. I've usually told them that if they cannot cope with the problems that a bipolar partner is causing in a relationship, then end the relationship gracefully. This is still good advice - it is much better to admit that you have reached the end of your ability to cope with your partner's mood swings than it is to keep on going on with a relationship that is destructive to you (and don't be guilty about breaking up either). However, now that I am on the receiving side of a breakup instead of just giving advice, I realise that the details of my advice needs fine tuning.

On the receiving end, I'm not exactly keen of being told that my partner doesn't love me anymore, or that I've been dropped for the next new model. But I'm much less keen on being told that you are leaving me because of my mood swings.

If you are breaking up with me because of my mood swings, consider picking one problem my mood swings caused and tell me that you are breaking up because of that. For example, say that you are breaking up because you can't cope with the way I make decisions without involving you.

And even if you if you are angry with me, do not sling the "bipolar thing" as a weapon just to get in one more shot. It's at best cruel - I can't help being bipolar.

And I reiterate, from some point of objectivity, that there is no reason to be guilty because you broke up with me because of my mood swings. I may not like you leaving, but I will sympathise with your point of view, and I do believe that you have the right to protect yourself from undue hurt, even when I cause it.

Also, if you are breaking up, be clear on the break up. Explicitly say something like "I am breaking up and I don't want it to continue" or "I am breaking up now and we can talk about it in one month." I have great difficulty in reading social signals and anything you do that can be interpreted in more than one way will be extrapolated willy nilly depending on whether I am manic or depressed. Sending clear unambiguous signals is the best solution - which also means you have to be clear on what you want too. And if you are in doubt about breaking up, say that too since I may interpret a break up as a final break up when you really wanted me to woo you back.

Also for the record. Coping with depression is a great way to learn how to deal with a breakup. How I felt when C. left me was almost identical to having a depression episode - it certainly followed the same patterns. As a result, I used the same coping mechanisms for dealing with depression to help me get through the breakup. And they worked quite well. The amusing effect of this is that I came away from the breakup relatively unscathed, and from C.'s point of view, I may have appeared to be taking the breakup rather casually.

This was not the intention. But it turns out that although a breakup feels like depression, the feelings and emotions and ways of thinking associated with the breakup are much easier to deal with compared to depression (for normal persons, gives you a yardstick to measure depression by, doesn't it). And just like after a bout of depression, life goes on.

4 Dec 02 - Diary
On the continuing saga of breaking up with C., I don't think I can see myself being able to sustain a process of reconciliation - it would take about two to three months to do so. So I called up and said lets just end everything right here - don't call me and I won't call you (see! clear and unambiguous). I am upset to do so but I also feel better. One less thing to deal with.

My psych thinks that a lot of what I am going through is a bereavement process and called out a list of things that people recovering from loss (including a loss of a relationship) feel and do. Well, maybe under the standard academic psychology the patterns fit a bereavement process, but from where I stand it looks a hell of a lot like depression. So I'll continue treating it as depression.

8 Dec 02 - Diary
Dear C.
The reasons I broke up with you are:

I was willing to try to get back together with you, no matter how unlikely it might be. However due to my last depression episode and the aftereffects, I have narrowed my window of opportunity for achieving any goal to 2-3 weeks. However, given that you will be working constantly until Christmas, and then I will be going away in February 03 for a month, I would have to create and sustain a fragile relationship for two to three months, and then spend another few months working to strengthen the relationship.

I didn't think I have the ability to hold together for that long while we try to sort things out. In addition, I know that the mood swings will leave me alternatively optimistic and anguished as we work through the possibility of getting back together. I can't cope with the idea that in every depression episode for the next six months (i.e. every two weeks) I would be feeling as if I was losing you all over again. That's too much for me. Better a complete break.

My bipolar problems at the moment are extremely serious, and I feel as if I am fighting for my survival, and that if I fail to come to terms with what is happening now I substantially reduce my chances of reaching age 40. Quite frankly, I don't have the time or resources to invest in a relationship at the moment - I need to focus on what is going on with me. And no, you can't help. I don't know what the problem is or how to deal with it, so it's not clear what help or support you can give.

So that's it. Sorry.
jinnah