Living with a
Depressed Partner

8 Sep 05

It's really difficult to be around someone who is depressed.  Here's why:

They have this constant hangdog expression. Or they have a blank expression on their face, or they look constantly upset. If you are in the same room with them for about five minutes, it drives you crazy and you feel like telling them to leave. You might put up with it for a day or two, but after that you start thinking "Why do I have to spoil my morning (or evening) spending time in the presence of someone who is not happy and looks it."

In addition to not looking happy, they don't talk. Queries on what is wrong and how they feel falls into limbo. You just get stared at. Try being in the same room with someone and not talking to them for 2-4 hours. It's really hard. Or you tell them basic stuff ("I'm going to bed") and you do not receive any response except this same annoying hangdog look.

Their presence in a room and their attitude leaves you with the constant feeling that they expect you to do something to make them feel better. It's a kind of silence or expectant waiting that just weighs upon you. It's wears on your nerves - after the first or second day it just gets you angry.

Now, you might know that nothing really helps a depressed person - so you know there isn't much you can do. Nevertheless, the feeling that you should be helping but you are not makes you feel guilty. Which just makes you more angry.

It's hard having to listen to all the problems they think they are going through. The forty minute litany of all the problems gets stale the third or fourth time you hear it. At that point all you feel is that you are wasting your time lending an ear and it gets increasingly difficult to show an interest. Especially when you are woken up at three o'clock in the morning to be told about them.

You worry each time they leave the room - is now going to be the time they hurt themselves or commit suicide. It's not the kind of worry you want to be carrying around. Tiring.

So basically, instead of being sympathetic to the person who is depressed, the tendency is to be irritated with their behaviour, uncomfortable in their presence, and annoyed that you are being made to feel guilty.

I feel that way in the presence of other persons who are depressed. You would think that because I know firsthand what depression is like that I would sympathetic. But I'm not.

C. had to put up with me being depressed for one week every two weeks for four years. I can't cope with a depressed person for four days; quite frankly I have no idea how C. put up with me for four years. It must have been intensely irritating and upsetting for C. to see me like this. The only thing I can think of is that C. is a saint.

To those of you who partners of bipolar persons who also stick around, I take my hat off to you. You are the good guys/gals.