My Partner has Stopped
Talking to Me

8 Aug 05

"My partner is a terrific person who is bipolar. But for the last couple of days, they have not been speaking to me -- no explanation, nothing."

If your partner has just stopped talking, they may be depressed. I know when I am depressed communication fails completely...I don't even have the ability to tell someone I am depressed. So if you are asking yourself, "Why didn't they tell me something, so I could help," well, they probably couldn't even do that. Even if they wanted desperately to do so.

I know this sounds impossible to believe, but it's true. My parents who live close by and act as a support system, are often exasperated that I couldn't call them to let them know I was feeling down. They usually find out about two days later when I don't show up for work.

I only need to make one phone call, but I am too filled with anxiety or apathy to make it.

To make things worse, you might visit your partner and find them pleasant, articulate, and making the same jokes as usual. They might look a little under the weather, but no worse than if they were getting a cold. You know. Normal.

And you two might go for a pizza in the afternoon and make plans for the next few days or the weekend and you would come home thinking that everything is okay. And then they don't contact you again and everything falls flat. And you will wonder what is going on and what you did wrong. Or what the heck your partner is up to.

Have you ever seen the little dancing daises that they sell? The ones with the shades that wiggle and dance around as long as there is noise or music playing. And which stop moving when there is no sound. Well, being depressed can be like that. Your presence alone could probably bring your partner up to something looking like stability, so they look and act fine. But nothing was solved and as soon as you leave, they fall back to being depressed.

I bring this up because I am sure that you are trying to help out as well as wondering what in the world is going on. I can tell you that if your partner is depressed, it isn't your fault and that there is no easy fix you can do.

If you can, get them to take their medication. However, it is wrong to believe that if your partner takes these pills or sees this doctor or goes to classes / work tomorrow then the problem will be solved.

If you like the person and want to be with them, you have to deal with their being bipolar for the long haul. Being bipolar is a problem, but to see it as only a problem is being one dimensional. Given my experiences there is a good chance that you have been the recipient of many thoughtful little indications of love / affection from them. I'll also bet that you have gotten original poetry from them too. Bipolar people tend to be bright and articulate and charismatic, which I'm sure describes your partner a lot of the time. And we work hard. Well, we work hard when we can.

To live with your bipolar partner, you are going to have to accept that they are bipolar and will be erratic. This is not an easy thing to do, I admit. At some point you and your partner are going to have to sit down and talk about their being bipolar and after that you will have to balance the pros and cons of the relationship and choose if you want to continue the relationship.

I'm biased, but I would suggest that you try, with your partner, to keep the relationship working rather than writing it off now. It's the romantic person in me that says this.

So what do you and your partner do now?

Well, talking to them and discussing the relationship while they are depressed is probably a pretty useless thing to do. At best the discussion will not register with them in any meaningful way. At fairly bad, they will agree with you on anything just so as to not deal with an intense discussion at that moment and will then renege on promises made once they are not depressed. At worst, if they are in the grip of being self destructive, they will dissolve the relationship just to get peace and quiet at that instant (they may regret it later, but that's a little late).

You may have to wait until they are out of the depression to talk with them.

Check some of the other pages in this section for some ideas on how to cope with persons who are depressed. Remember that none may work consistently and be careful of the help you offer. Many of the suggestions given to "help" me are intensely irritating or extremely stressful.

Also be careful about keeping in contact. The little games on who telephoned and who didn't and who should have called just don't work with bipolar people. We are too erratic to play the game properly. If we haven't called you when we should have, call us to find out what is going on. Don't make the assumption that we don't want to see you again or we are angry or indifferent.

Remember, you didn't do anything wrong, and your partner isn't doing this to spite you. Regardless of the appearances. If neither of you are doing anything wrong, neither of you needs to feel angry or guilty. And at the moment, neither of you should be thinking of who to blame for what went wrong.

Take a deep breath, relax, and try to figure out what to do next to get the relationship to work.