I'm Bipolar.
What Should My Partner Know?

8 Sep 05

If you have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, or if you are manic depressive and have just started a relationship, there is stuff that you need to tell your partner soon.

You cannot afford to be embarrassed or secretive about being bipolar. The mood swings affect too many things to allow you to try to manage it quietly on the side.

If your partner does not know you are bipolar or understand all the implications of what that means, you will hurt, confuse and exasperate them frequently. Particularly hurt them. And you will put far more strain on the relationship than is necessary. It's not at all fair on your partner.

Don't fear what your partner will say or think when you tell them. In all the e-mails I have received, I have never gotten one that said "my partner left me because I told him/her I was manic depressive." On the other hand I have gotten hundreds that in one form or another say "how can I help and support my bipolar partner - how do I understand what they are going through."

And yes, a relationship with a bipolar person is possible. C. and I have been going for nearly seven years now, and our relationship has outlived the divorces of many of our "normal" acquaintances.

The most important thing is for you and your partner to discuss the matter openly.

If you've recently been diagnosed, you won't know what to tell your partner because you won't know what to expect either. Even so, tell them and let both of you learn about it together.

There's a lot on my website that will tell you what to look out for and how to cope with problems and situations that may arise. And there's a world of information out on the 'net too.

To tell your partner, you say "Honey, there's something I need to tell you. I'm Bipolar" or "Honey, I just found out I'm bipolar." You can drop the "Honey" part if you like.

Your partner will then go "Huh" or give you a completely blank stare. Or both. That's because the word bipolar doesn't actually convey any information to most people. You then need to discuss with them what bipolar means as best you can. I've listed some ideas on things to discuss. Actually things you need to discuss.

Some conditions apply for the discussion.

Condition One
You and your partner need to drop any defences or sensitivities about your being bipolar. Bipolar Disorder is a clear medical condition that both you and your partner need to be aware of, kinda like if you were diabetic, or asthmatic. You wouldn't be shy about talking about asthma with your partner; you should not feel there is anything more wrong or embarrassing about talking about bipolar disorder.

Do not be ashamed to talk. Being manic depressive is a medical condition. It is not a character flaw.

Your partner needs to know that discussing about being manic depressive is not a taboo subject and that (s)he can ask you questions about what it is like to be bipolar or how you are feeling with regard to the mood swings. Your partner may also have to learn to not cringe when you talk about being bipolar, as people do with many taboo subjects.

Both of you have to be at ease with the topic. It may be awkward at first, but with practice you become casual about it ("Did you turn off all the lights, did you close the windows, did you take your medication").

Condition Two
You have to be in one of your "normal" moods, or as close to normal and stable as you get.

If you try to discuss this while you are mildly depressed...well, you really can't discuss anything when you are depressed, but if you could, what would happen is that you would make promises and agreements that you would not be able to keep. Bad idea in a relationship.

If you try to do this when you are manic, you are going to be irritable and chances are that the discussion will degenerate into an argument. Not very helpful, that.

Condition Three
It's useful to have the discussions before anything happens. Do not wait until there is a crisis to sit down to talk. Discussions done under crisis conditions have a tendency to be less than sensible or useful.

It's also not one discussion. Talking about being manic depressive is really a series of discussions taking place over the next few months (years?). The discussions can take place in the car, over dinner, while working in the garden or taking a walk, while snuggling up in bed, or whenever. Don't try to make it too structured - that tends to make everything pretty stiff and awkward.

Once the conditions are more or less met (usually less), the most important things to discuss are:

Item One
You need to describe to your partner how you feel when you are depressed. Get into detail; don't just say you were feeling down. For example - "I was feeling so down that I couldn't get out of bed. I felt that there was no point to it and that it would make no difference to the world if I did. I knew that I should try cheering myself up, but that didn't work" - Got it?

The more specific things you can say to your partner, the more they will be able to understand what happens when you are depressed. Make the effort to explain the details. You don't need to be eloquent, just so long as your partner understands what you are trying to say.

Don't just talk about your feelings. Talk about what your partner should do while you are depressed. Talk also about what they should not do. For example - "When I am depressed, don't try to cheer me up; all you do is irritate me. However, even if I don't want to talk with you I find it comforting to have you near me, so could you read a book in the same room with me. Could you call my office to tell them that I am ill."

Don't leave your partner guessing what they should be doing. For your partner, the worst thing is seeing you down and feeling helpless to do anything about it. If you provide clear direction on what works for you and what doesn't, they won't feel so useless or upset.

Item Two
You need to describe to your partner how you feel when you are manic. It's pretty much the same as above - explain in detail how you feel so your partner can get an idea of what it is like and let your partner know what they can do or should not do when you are manic.

Probably the most intrusive part of the mania is a manic person's tendency to argue or be irritable, which is just plain destructive to a relationship. Since being irritable and being argumentative tends to sneak up on you, you and your partner should be on the lookout for silly arguments. Your partner is likely to notice it first.

Because of the destructive nature of arguments, you and your partner should lay some ground rules for your arguments on what is acceptable and not acceptable. In particular there must be one rule that says that if the argument gets too heated, then you must both back off and discuss the problem a few hours (or a few days) when you have both cooled down somewhat and preferably when you are not manic. This is really important.

Item Three
Your partner needs to tell you HOW (S)HE FEELS when you become depressed or manic. We tend to focus on you, the bipolar person, and we usually forget that your partner is also under a lot of stress too. My figuring is that the backlash from your mood swings on your partner is equivalent to about 70-80% of what you are going through.

Your partner will frequently feel frustrated in not being able to help you when you are in one of your moods and will be upset about some of the things you do. Just as your partner needs to know how you feel, you need to know how your partner feels.

Your partner should not believe that they must be strong and silent. Just as you need support, they need support. And just as you should give them clear directions on what they should do, they need to tell you clearly what upsets them and what you can do or not do to help out the situation.

One small example - when I was depressed I used to leave dishes unwashed in the sink. Large piles of them, which apparently used to upset C.. After about two years of being strong and silent, C. complained about it, and more because I wanted to please C. than anything else, I learned to do dishes when I was depressed. It's not a grand example, but it does show that you can be responsive to your partner and smooth out little annoyances in the relationship, providing your partner says what upsets them.

Item Four
As part of these ongoing discussions, you should make it a habit of informing your partner every morning and every afternoon what your mood is (as in - I'm feeling normal today, or I'm slightly manic, or I'm becoming depressed, etc.). If you can forecast how you might be feeling the next few days (my depression is getting worse, expect the next few days to be bad), so much the better. If you can, be as precise about your mood as possible (I'm manic and irritable this morning; watch out; or, I'm not making it out of the house today).

This may sound inconsequential and quite a bit silly, but it is probably one of the best things you can do. Don't assume your partner knows how you are feeling just because you have discussed the signs of mania and depression.

When you signal how you feel, your partner doesn't have to guess how you are feeling and how to react to you. Forewarned is forearmed. They don't have to wonder if they should ignore your carping about little stupid things at breakfast, or grumble that you didn't take out the garbage. They won't be as stressed and won't feel helpless.

By the way, this means you have to learn to monitor your moods, and know the early signals for mania and depression, and know if you have regular mood swings. If you haven't done so yet, it's worthwhile learning to do so. Check under Ideas for Coping.

Item Five
You and your partner need to develop together systems for coping when things go wrong. If you can figure out what might go wrong in advance, you can both plan in advance how each of you will deal with it. For example, if you know that you have a temper (or that you do when you are manic), you and your partner should set rules for discussing or arguing about things.

The rules / plans could be (1) what to do when the argument flares up (your partner says "we are getting angry and we need to cool down"), (2) how long the cool down period might be (an hour?, two days? it depends on how long your angry states last), (3) that each of you should apologise to the other. Stuff like that.

More usually though, something will happen and you and your partner will make a hash of dealing with it. You need to have rules / plans for what to do in these situations too.

For example, two years into our relationship C. and I realised that every time C. talked about a new idea or plan of what we should do in the future, I immediately shot down the idea as not useful or viable. I would then in the course of the next few days come around to C.'s point of view, but in the intervening time C. would be upset or annoyed at me.

Our solution was that C. would introduce an idea and then ignore me until I stopped ranting. Then when I was over my "this idea is stupid" phase, C. would then reintroduce the idea - at which point we were able to discuss it properly.

Basically, we developed a plan on how to handle the problem, and as importantly C. learned to accept that my ranting was probably an offshoot of my mania and not take it personally.

You and your partner would have to learn the problem areas and work together to develop coping systems. Don't expect instant solutions - note that C. and I took two years to even recognise the problem above.

Some of the ideas are more straightforward. If you know you spend lots of money when you are manic, your partner should know it's ok to take away your credit card during these times, and you should learn not to feel upset when (s)he does so. If you eat all the ice cream in the house when you are depressed, you and your partner should agree not to keep any in the refrigerator (our solution).

Item Six
You and your partner need to constantly tell each other that you love each other - at least a few times a day. You also need to take time off and do the romantic stuff at least once a week during which time you really pay attention to each other. This sounds corny, but it does act to strengthen a good relationship. And in order to get over the rough spots, you need to have a strong relationship.

C. and I have had major arguments and we have separated on a few occasions (none of which, by the way, were related to me being bipolar). In each of the cases I think we became too comfortable in our relationship, and started taking each other for granted. In each of the cases, if we had been paying more attention to each other and our relationship instead of being smugly comfortable, we would have weathered the arguments that caused the separations.

That's about it. The key thing is to talk, talk, talk and more talk. And make plans. And talk. The more you can monitor your moods and communicate how you are feeling to your partner, and the more your partner can do the same to you, the less likely there will be misunderstandings.

Expect it to take time. There really is a process of adapting around the bipolar bad traits. You and your partner won't suddenly magically become the perfect, supportive partners for each other. Hang in there in the rough spots. If you thought you made a good couple in the past, then you probably still do. When things are going rough, try to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it instead of being annoyed with your partner.

By the way, all that I have written above is good advice for any relationship, but for us bipolar persons, following it is a requirement, not just good advice.

Addendum
To the partners of bipolar persons. I've made it sound that being bipolar is all bad. It isn't. The flip side of being bipolar is that it allows us to be creative, hard working, adventurous, and wonderfully romantic, which we will do and which you will love us for. It's the stuff that attracted you to us in the first place.

I didn't bother to talk about that here because I didn't figure that you would consider it a problem to be dealt with, but do remember that it does exist.

You do know that when us bipolar people are on the manic side, we often tend to be hypersexed? Right?