This Great Person I Met is Bipolar.
How Can I Help Them?

24 Aug 05

"I recently met a wonderful person. We hit it off immediately and we have spent a lot of time together, frequently doing nothing but talking and getting to know each other. We have both talked about getting serious. This person has my heart. I am so drawn to them and have not felt this way about someone for a long time.

When I first met them, there was no clue that anything was wrong. However, a few nights ago they started acting oddly - it was like they changed into someone else. They didn't want to be with me - they said that they were afraid because I was so nice and that everything between us was too good to be true. I tried to find out what was wrong, but they didn't want to talk and finally they just left me. I haven't heard from them since.

People who know them say they are bipolar and that I should not get caught up with them. They say they have tried to help them and it hasn't worked, but I wonder how hard they really tried.

I am so scared and worried for them and I want to talk to them about everything. However, I don't know if this would cause more damage. I want to do something to help them. What is the best way of going about this?"

Sounds familiar?

The scenario above, with variations, is the topic I get the most e-mails about. It's not an easy position to be in, having to learn about bipolar disorder while the relationship you thought was fine suddenly turns awkward or disastrous. So what do you do next to help?

The first thing you need to do is to understand why you want to help your partner. Generally the e-mails have had two basic themes. The first one is "I am falling in love." The second is "I know this person who is bipolar and I want to help".

Be careful of mixing up the two themes by saying "I want to help this bipolar person because I am in love with them."  The person probably does need help, but your being in love with them is not a good enough reason for you to take on the task of helping them.

Before you jump in and help, ask yourself this question. "If this person was in a relationship with someone else, would I think of offering the same level of support and help to them for their bipolar disorder problems?"

Can you honestly say yes to that question?

Us bipolar persons absolutely do need our friends and family and their support. But there is no guarantee that we will be able to repay their support when they need it. Friends who support us won't mind that; they like us regardless of our failings. Families support us because they are our family.

However, a relationship is defined by sharing. As long as you are romantically entangled, you expect a return on what you put into the relationship. It's not a mercenary thing - it's just a relationship thing. But you do have expectations and us bipolar persons cannot guarantee that we will meet those expectations.

If you jump in without knowing what to expect, you may be setting yourself up for an immense amount of stress and heartache because your partner will not be able to provide what you need.

You may say that your partner has gotten your heart. I don't doubt that. Your partner probably really is wonderful, charming, and thoughtful as you think. You want to help because you figure you will be the one who can provide the support your partner really needs.

If you want to help, you do not need to wait for your partner to tell you they are bipolar. It is not rude for you to bring up the topic first. Bipolar disorder is not a deep dark secret that must be hushed up; it is just another medical condition. Would you feel comfortable asking your partner if they are asthmatic?  Yes?  Then you can ask your partner if they are bipolar.

Do not try for any deep, meaningful conversations about being bipolar at first - what your are trying to do initially is to set up things so that you can have deep, meaningful conversations about being bipolar.

Talking to your partner about bipolar disorder is critical. They may be reluctant or embarrassed to do so initially and the first few discussions will probably be awkward. That's normal. Be aware that if your partner is still depressed; they may not be in a condition to discuss anything with you, and you will have to wait until they come out of the depression.

Check out other pages in this Chapter for specific things you can ask, do, or expect when talking to your partner, or waiting for them to come out of depression.

If however, your partner is unwilling to talk about being bipolar at all or dismisses the matter something of little concern, it's a big problem. Your partner's unwillingness to talk about being bipolar probably indicates either (a) your partner is unwilling to take the steps to actively manage being bipolar or (b) your partner has not been able to to get the bipolar thing under reasonable control yet. In either case, they are not in a position to make the relationship work better.

If you can't get your partner to talk, or if they are handing you only scraps of information, the relationship will probably fail no matter what you do. Once you realise that you aren't getting any feedback, consider pulling out of the relationship.

But "I'm in love" you might say. This is the perfect person. How can I just give up at this point when they need my help the most.

You can, you know. And without guilt too.

Remember, you are still in the courting stage of the relationship. Let's go back to Relationships 101. The purpose of dating is to see if someone is suitable for a long term relationship. If the person you are dating is not suitable, then you move on to look for someone more appropriate; if you are not what they are looking for, then they move on.

While you are in the courtship stage of a relationship, it is not  your duty to fix the problems of the person you are dating. By all means you can be supportive and encourage the person to get help. You can even be there occasionally to help pick up the pieces after a disastrous depressive episode.

But you are not required to be a martyr selflessly giving of yourself for your true love. In fact, you shouldn't - it's not healthy.

You are permitted to label the person in the "not suitable" category and move on.

"But this is still the perfect person," you say.

If nothing else, my years have taught me that there is no one perfect person for anyone - there are lots of perfect persons for everyone. All you need to do is look.

I agree that it takes time to find the next perfect person. But if your current partner is not talking with you about being bipolar, I can pretty much guarantee you that finding the next perfect person will be faster than trying to make a relationship with your current partner work.

You will also love the new person just as much. Differently from your current partner perhaps, but just as much. And on top of that, you won't have to put up with the considerable stress your current partner will cause you (as they probably have already started to do).

It sounds as if I'm not being supportive and that it is better to not be in a relationship with a bipolar person. That's not correct. Us bipolar persons are definitely as good partners as "normal" persons and certainly more likely to make your life interesting (in a good way too). And for the record - at seven years and rock solid, my relationship with C. has outlived the marriages of many "normal" couples I know.

You should give the relationship a try. In fact the romantic person in me likes the idea of you and your partner making your relationship a success. But remember, a relationship will only work if the two people are willing to discuss the important stuff. For a bipolar person, talking about being bipolar counts as one of the important things. There's no way around that.

To summarise

First thing - about the relationship. You've basically shut down communication with him.

The second thing is that while you might think your friend is bipolar, until he is diagnosed, you don't actually know. Your observations may be right, but getting a third party's (ie, a doctor's) opinion would help you in making a decision on what you want to do next.

Now for some stuff that you need to think about.
1.
If your friend is bipolar but undiagnosed, do you really want to get involved? My experience is that the period after being diagnosed can be very rough indeed. And this period can be measured in years.

A relationship might survive this, but it would require a major investment in your time and energy. Would your time and energy be best spent here, or would you be better off spending that time and energy looking for someone else?

2.
You will not be able to change your friend. Only he can do that for himself. You can only provide support. If your guy is not showing any evidence of being aware of his problems and wanting to fix them, it is not a good sign.

3.
Be very careful with the idea that providing support will help to strengthen and grow a new relationship. My benchmark for this idea is simple -  would you provide the support he needed if he was going out with someone else? If the answer is no, then providing the support is really a way of buying your way into the relationship.

4.
If you decide to move on, you don't have any obligations to look after the guy any more than to break up in a reasonably civilised manner (shouting allowed, no knives, few sharp words). It's ok if he feels upset or hurt or let down. He's survived without you in the past; he can do it again in the future. You have no responsibilities to ensure that he is in good mental / physical health after the break up.


I may be sounding awfully negative. This is not the intention. The intention is to make you aware of the potential time and energy you will have to invest, and the possible risks. If you decide the guy is worth the investment and the risk, then the relationship is worth fighting for.

Remember, you DO have the ability to choose what to do next. You have been seeing the guy for only 6 weeks. Technically you are in the courtship phase, the period where you determine whether he is a good thing or not. Whichever way you choose is acceptable - that's the whole point of courtship.



So what do you do next.

If you want to try to get the relationship going again...

Get back in touch, even if it simply means for a coffee after work. Ask him if he is bipolar. Ask him why he is behaving the way he is. Ask is if he would see a psychiatrist or therapist to check if he is indeed bipolar.There are no good times or ways to ask these questions, so the simplest way is to just ask. Don't be confrontational or accusing - after all, the idea is to try to get the relationship back on track again. But ask what you would like to know.

See what response and answers you get. The meeting will probably be a hard thing to do because one of his possible responses could be that the relationship is over. But it could also be that he is missing you. You won't know until you talk with each other.

Do NOT make any decisions at the meeting. Over the course of the next two or three weeks, when your thinking will be a bit clearer, decide what you want to do next.


Alternatively - you've already broken up. Think of it as an interesting experience with an interesting guy and move on to finding the guy that you will spend the rest of your life with.



Notice how I have avoided giving any solid opinions and advice? Sorry, but all the hard stuff is up to you. All I can do is suggest ideas for you to think about.

If you two do get back together, and your friend is bipolar, then I have some ideas on how to make the rough times less rough (not easy mind you, just less rough). But one thing at a time.

Hope this helps.