My Bipolar Diary - the Real Stuff
5 Jul 11 . Diary
My daily thoughts and feelings for the period 1997-2003, written from just after I was diagnosed and through the years as I struggled to cope with being bipolar. The dates are old, but the problems of being bipolar never change. It's part hope, despair, longing, annoyance, fear, winning, and sometimes just sheer tiredness.
Read this if you think you are bipolar. Or if you have just been diagnosed and want to know what to expect. Or just to see what someone else has gone through - you'll be surprised how similar it is to your experience. You are not alone.
This is the section which won all my earliest awards, and even after more than a decade there is still nothing else like it on the web. It's worth checking out. Start here.
Why I Went to a Psychiatrist in the First Place
The (traumatic) experiences of the year before I was diagnosed as being bipolar.Taking Medication for the First Time
Comparing life on medication to life before medication. An eye opener on the difference medication can make. Tegretol did not work for me long term. My experiences just before switching to a Tegretol / Lithium combination in June 1998. I've got over the initial wonder of being stable. Now I wonder who I am. I'm still getting depressed. It's frustrating, really.Just When I though I was Stable
Things, which were going pretty well, have started going astray. There is a certain horror in watching your life slip out of your hands. I sink further into depression through August 1999.A Day in the Life of A Manic Person
27 August 1999. This day is the nearest I have ever been to being fully manic. I describe what it is like to pull the strands of my life together after a bout of depression.Been There, Done That, Got a T-Shirt
A statement on living with with manic / depression - and creating an identity that can prosper.The First Day of the Rest of My Life for the Next Two Weeks
An upbeat restart of life after being depressed in August 1999. I actually think I am getting the hang of being bipolar. Epilim (Depakote) stabilises me. Then I realise I don't like being normal either. I confused. I don't know how to cope with being normal. For the first time ever I feel that the medication and I are working together to make me to feel better. Discoveries and concerns. For me, being normal is the same as being depressed. I finally realise this and try to come to terms with it. The real difference it makes to have around someone you love. Each time I think I've found the answer, the solution - I haven't. On arguments and being bipolar. On sleep and holidays. Coming alive again after a serious two day depression. After depression, some days of feeling great. A reflection on responsibility too.Cycling Downhill and Trying the Brakes
I apparently can't stop cycling even with medication. I try to factor a person into my backup system .Cycling Uphill and Trying the Brakes
On being hypomanic and negotiating with my psychiatrist about what medications I should take.Today is ALWAYS the First Day of the Rest of My Life
Reentering the world in May 2000. Learning defenses to prevent from being overwhelmed by mood swings. Learning to live with being normal. It isn't easy or natural. Getting direction in your life after stabilising is fraught with problems. Sigh. Learning how to plan a week in advance to prevent from destabilising. Coming of a two month depressive episode and learning how to cope with Prozac and normality. The exhilaration of being able to do a day's work without complications.Breaking Up is...Confusing to Do
Having a spat with C. and breaking up.How Do People Live with Normal Emotions
Now that feel I more of less normal, I find I have a hard time dealing with normal emotions. A stab at getting my life in order, and failing miserably. Feeling trapped in time - and how it affects who I think I am. I don't like being bipolar, but if you gave me a magic wand, I'm not sure I'd make it disappear.
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